Screw 'em!

OK… you have to understand that this in one of those sayings that is actually at the very base of understanding what the "Cranky Old Guy" is about.

It is a phrase that must be yelled, with a bit of a speech impediment…much as an old guy who has suffered a stroke would yell the phrase…in fact, exactly as Sir Anthony Hopkins delivered the line in the atrociously written, acted and directed major motion picture, "Legend of the Fall."

Now…don't get me wrong. I think Sir Tony has been wonderful in a ton of movies…including his legendary part in "Silence of the Lambs" where he gives the term "creepy-ass recipe" a whole new meaning. But he has been ho-o-o-o-o-orible in many other movies.

Who could forget the ridiculous acting as Professor Abraham Van Helsing, in "Dracula" where his classic, and now immortal delivery of the line "let's eat meat!" shall be forever etched into my cerebral cortex?

Or the more recent role as Coleman Silk, a man hiding the deep, dark secret that he is…and I am not making this up…an African American who has suffered his entire life for denying his race in "The Human Stain."

But my favorite "roleus horribilious" (had to make it sound like a Greek tragedy), is his role as Col. William Ludlow, in the hideous, contemptuous, unbelievable in every way, "Legends of the Fall."

This was a movie that I saw for only two reasons. First, because there was supposed to be some great World War One battle sequences in the movie. The second reason was that my wife wanted to see Brad Pitt. Let's face it…many of my worst movie-going experiences revolve around having to watch Brad Pitt. But if you are a wise man, and a good husband, you will go along, knowing that if Brad does some of the warm-up, the rest of the night might result in some hot, ancillary sex.

That said…by the time I was finished watching "Legends of the Fall," I had almost no interest in sex, and almost no interest in ever going to a movie with any of this cast again. By the time the totally unbelievable WWI scenes had gone been endured, (the guy rode a freakin' HORSE into no-man's land, and behind enemy lines and lived???) the "meat and potatoes" of the film, the big feud between the father (Sir Tony) and his oldest son (Aidan Quinn) was the primary thread trying to hold this piece of crap together. In the scene that finally rendered this a "classic" in my mind, Brad Pitt was delivering the word that Aidan was going to try and make amends with the family.

Now, bear in mind, that this is after all sorts of skullduggery worthy of any daytime soap opera, and Sir Tony almost losing his life to a stroke. And…it is the stroke, my friends that makes this scene, and the visual that you must carry with you until your dying days, when you hear the words, "Screw 'em!"

Sir Tony, while a gifted actor in many respects, does one of the worst impressions of a stroke victim known to man. In fact, as I watched, I was certain that I saw his facial tic change from side to side between scenes. In one scene, he drooped and twitched from the left. In another, from the right. Until finally, the culmination of this exercise was born through his twitching, spasm-fest, sputter of the line, "SCREW 'EM!!!" delivered from his wheelchair…his body almost completely paralyzed, except for one flailing arm, with a twisted, but clear finger-signal for "your number one!" being extended toward the camera.

What makes the story even better…is that my wife, knowing that I can't help but mimic those less fortunate than I, knew that as the line was delivered, I too was twisting and contorting my face into "mock-stroke-victim perfection," and flailing the "dirty bird" there beside her in the darkened movie theater.

She began to laugh. I began to laugh. And no amount of "shushes" and "Shut the hell ups!" could stop us.

Thankfully, the movie was not much longer and we were able to leave quickly, avoiding any old people living under the threat of impending stroke, in the lobby or the wrath of God.

To this day, whenever I want a real laugh from my wife…all I have to do is screw up my face, twitch a "dirty bird," and mumble "Screw "Em!"

Rent the movie. It's worth the $1.50, even if all you do is fast forward to "the scene."