I'll see your Same Sex Marriage and Raise You Two Goats…
Why The Religious Right Has Got it Wrong

Once again, in a time when we are facing global terror, soaring gas prices, a record debt, possible pandemics, third-world genocides and the morass that has become our Middle East policy, the "leader of the free world" has once again decided that an Amendment to the Constitution banning "Same-sex marriage" is the most important issue.

The move is such a thinly veiled attempt to try and distract the world from his abysmal performance as a President, that it would be laughable. I say WOULD be laughable, if it didn't once again start yet one more debate that polarizes our country with another issue of exclusion.

Hot off of the recent debacle that has become the "Illegal Immigrant Solution," which did more to sanctify overt racism by way of "national defense and job protection" than almost any other in recent history, the new attention on singling out another group of United States citizens without actually "naming names," is about as "Un-Christian" as the Religious Right can get, short of wearing sheets and burning crosses in the name of God.

However, rather than simply talk of the ridiculous rhetoric that surrounds the "rights and demands of homosexuals" when they ask to be recognized with the same legal rights as other committed man/woman relationships, I have decided that it is time for a new tact.

If the Religious Right and their political leadership want to continue down the path of melding church and state in our constitution, then its time to start asking for some other legislation that holds us accountable to the "Written Word of God," along with some new legal definitions.

But first, lets take a look at the reasoning behind their grand plan to alter our most revered and important document, The Constitution. This document it should be noted is void of any mentions of a Higher Power, and in fact makes it clear that a separation of church and state should be at the basis of its interpretation.

In a nation that claims to be 76% Christian, fewer than 20% attend a church on a regular basis.It would be even safer to say that of the 228 million claiming to be Christians, a very, very small percentage of them have ever read the Bible, cover to cover. I myself, while a devout Episcopalian through most of my youth (alter boy, choir, almost never missed a week), and while being confirmed learned almost the entire Communion service by rote, did not read the entire Bible until I was in my 30s.

Perhaps I am wrong about my assessment of my fellow Christian brethren, but I doubt it.

The reason for this is simple. If most people had actually taken the time to read the entire Bible, they would realize that using religion and "God's Commandments" as the basis for outlawing and condemning same-sex marriage is not only weak, but also extremely difficult to find.

What they WILL find, are countless rules, commandments, laws and practices that would make our lives as Christians in the modern world not only insanely complicated, but also downright lethal to many of us.

I use as my primary example, the Book of Leviticus. Go to any "Anti-Gay" rally that you choose. Listen to any evangelical preacher on the topic, and you will hear the same Bible verse quoted as the irrefutable proof that the Bible and God condemn homosexuality.

Leviticus 18:22 states, "'Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable." Later on, Leviticus says that the punishment for this act is death (Leviticus 20:13). Pretty clear. Pretty straightforward. This must be a REALLY detestable act for God to be so clear. But, let's take a look at the big picture.

The Bible is 66 different books. Depending on the print size and the interpretation (you have to love the HUGE range of interpretations of God's Devine Word as interpreted by man), it is between 1,200 and 2,000 pages. In the entire Bible, the "law against homosexuality" is mentioned the sum total of…once.

That's right. In the hundreds of thousands of words in the Bible, the "law against homosexuality" is fifteen whole words. In fact, in the entire Bible, you will only find mention of punishment against the "Sodomites" (a popular Biblical euphemism) in ten places, almost all of them in Genesis, when the "angry God" was burning and laying waste to the world he had created and then turned over to the imperfect humans.

There is one other instance in Paul's letters to the Corinthians, where he says, "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." (Corinthians 6:9-10).

Wow…now that is a little more difficult to deal with. That just wiped out not only most of Hollywood, several evangelical preachers, 99% of corporate America, anyone who has attended a high school or college party, every talk-show host or editorial columnist, as well as every used car dealer and politician in the country (and any lawyer who has defended them). It's HARD to be a Christian!

But wait! What about forgiveness? Isn't that what makes being a Christian so cool? If we are going to use Leviticus as the standard for deciding who is "worthy" and who is not, we need to use the "Sins and Punishment" section to make sure we are leading a true Christian life! (This is where it REALLY gets complicated).

Leviticus, for those who are not familiar with the Bible, is considered to be the "way to live" section of the Bible. Now granted, because it is part of the Old Testament, many would argue that it has mostly to do with the Jews (Hebrews) in the "good old days" of the "mean, vengeful God." But in fairness to the discussion, as the Religious Right continues to use Leviticus as the standard of judgment for homosexuals, it is only fair to hold all of us to the same standards.

Leviticus is 20 Chapters and roughly 23,425 words. Again, the part about homosexuals, including their punishment is a total of 40 words. The other 23,385 words describe ways to live, ways to worship, the laws for living, punishments and the various ways to make burnt offerings to God.

Yes. I did just say burnt offerings.

It seems that God is VERY specific in how we make offerings to Him, including what kinds of animals (and grain), what parts of the animals, and how they are to be burned as to create an aroma that is pleasing to him. God is very into his offerings smelling good.

Here's an example, in this case for the offering of a goat. There are specific guidelines for mammals, birds and grain (mostly in the form of bread). This one about goats (and other flock-like animals) is representational of all of the instructions.

Leviticus 1:10- 'If the offering is a burnt offering from the flock, from either the sheep or the goats, he is to offer a male without defect. He is to slaughter it at the north side of the altar before the LORD, and Aaron's sons the priests shall sprinkle its blood against the altar on all sides. He is to cut it into pieces, and the priest shall arrange them, including the head and the fat, on the burning wood that is on the altar. He is to wash the inner parts and the legs with water, and the priest is to bring all of it and burn it on the altar. It is a burnt offering, an offering made by fire, an aroma pleasing to the LORD.

Now, we need to make a delineation between your basic offerings of thanks and praise, and those which require a guilt offering. These are on top of the original burnt offerings, and make things even more messy and complicated.

Leviticus 7
The Guilt Offering
These are the regulations for the guilt offering, which is most holy: The guilt offering is to be slaughtered in the place where the burnt offering is slaughtered, and its blood is to be sprinkled against the altar on all sides. All its fat shall be offered: the fat tail and the fat that covers the inner parts, both kidneys with the fat on them near the loins, and the covering of the liver, which is to be removed with the kidneys. The priest shall burn them on the altar as an offering made to the LORD by fire. It is a guilt offering. Any male in a priest's family may eat it, but it must be eaten in a holy place; it is most holy. The same law applies to both the sin offering and the guilt offering: They belong to the priest who makes atonement with them. The priest who offers a burnt offering for anyone may keep its hide for himself. Every grain offering baked in an oven or cooked in a pan or on a griddle belongs to the priest who offers it, and every grain offering, whether mixed with oil or dry, belongs equally to all the sons of Aaron.

This is clearly one of the first examples of the "Pay to Pray" concept, where the priests get all of the good stuff that is left over here on earth, and the sinners get salvation.

I think you get the picture. This makes the penance of 25 Hail Mary cycles for Catholics look like a walk in the park. But, what kinds of things would warrant punishment, and what sorts of punishments can you expect when living your life according to Leviticus? What are the kinds of sins that we are dealing with here, besides being a fan of Judy Garland?

The first section of punishments (Leviticus 22) has to do with having anything to do with Moloch, who is a bad God most closely associated with the Phoenicians and North African tribes. You are put to death for giving away your kids to Moloch , apparently a problem back in the B.C. era of the Holy Land.

Then is gets pretty interesting for anyone who is not respectful, commits an act of sexual deviance and any other number of things that are not "righteous in His eye."

Leviticus 22:9- If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head. (I am SO SCREWED!)

10 If a man commits adultery with another man's wife-with the wife of his neighbor-both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death. (So…if it is not my neighbor's wife…say maybe a woman down at the coffee shop I'm OK?)

11 If a man sleeps with his father's wife, he has dishonored his father. Both the man and the woman must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. (Gotta go with that one…creepy!)

12 If a man sleeps with his daughter-in-law, both of them must be put to death. What they have done is a perversion; their blood will be on their own heads. (Again…creepy!)

13 If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. (But what about lesbians??)

14 If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you. (I agree with this one. Too damn many women in the house telling you what to do!)

15 If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he must be put to death, and you must kill the animal. (So "Goodbye" to cow tippers and sheep farmers everywhere in Idaho)

16 " 'If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. (So there was this woman who was married to an ass…)

17 If a man marries his sister, the daughter of either his father or his mother, and they have sexual relations, it is a disgrace. They must be cut off before the eyes of their people. He has dishonored his sister and will be held responsible. (Or they have to move to Kentucky)

18 If a man lies with a woman during her monthly period and has sexual relations with her, he has exposed the source of her flow, and she has also uncovered it. Both of them must be cut off from their people. (So much for the rhythm method…)

19 Do not have sexual relations with the sister of either your mother or your father, for that would dishonor a close relative; both of you would be held responsible. (No problem…no "hot aunts in our family)

20 If a man sleeps with his aunt, he has dishonored his uncle. They will be held responsible; they will die childless. (Let's hope so!)

21 If a man marries his brother's wife, it is an act of impurity; he has dishonored his brother. They will be childless. (Luckily I have five kids and no brothers).

These all seem like they make enough sense. For the most part, the laws and punishments would do well in Texas, where the motto "execution first, facts, details and rights later," is alive and well. There's a whole lotta death goin' on! In general, sex is a pretty nuts and bolts thing. Do your wife as you would like to do unto others, but if you do unto others, say goodbye!

But, Leviticus isn't finished complicating our lives. Remember the whole burnt offering thing? There are tons of things you can do to get God mad that will require burnt offerings and other such remedies, along with reams of guidelines to good health and a healthy diet. Here are some of the highlights.

1. "Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community. (So much for "casual Fridays)

2. You and your sons are not to drink wine or other fermented drink whenever you go into the Tent of Meeting, or you will die. (This was thankfully over-ruled by the last supper with Jesus).

3. Of all the animals that live on land, these are the ones you may eat: You may eat any animal that has a split hoof completely divided and that chews the cud. (This rules out all sorts of animals like camels, rabbits and pigs)

4. You may eat any fish with fins and scales (no Lobster, crab, shrimp, etc.)

5. No birds of prey or carrion eaters These are the birds you are to detest and not eat because they are detestable: the eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, the red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat. (What the hell???? Since when is a bat a bird??? If The God of Levitcus is wrong about the bat, could he also be wrong about some of the other stuff??)

6. 'All flying insects that walk on all fours are to be detestable to you. There are, however, some winged creatures that walk on all fours that you may eat: those that have jointed legs for hopping on the ground. Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper. (Thanks-but I'll pass).

7. Several chapters on becoming "unclean" by touching anything, any animal or person who is "unclean." That means carcasses or living beings. The remedy for becoming clean again (unless you are dead, or one of the permanently unclean listed above) is to wash your clothes, and remain in your tent until nightfall. (I assume that if you didn't die from touching something unclean within the first few hours, you are cool to hang out with others again).

8. An ENTIRE CHAPTER regarding women who are unclean during childbirth, their periods, and any other time their bodies secrete fluids of any kind (woman are messy). It is generally advised that anything they touch, including clothes, linens, people, kids, animals, cooking utensils, and any other thing in which they come in contact, breath upon, or otherwise look at, should be washed, cleaned, destroyed or put into a tent until nightfall. Did I mention that women are messy and prone to being unclean?

9. There is an entire chapter on what to do with people who have any sicknesses or diseases, all culminating in a lot of priest approval or being labeled "unclean" and sent away. It gets pretty ugly and disgusting. Here is an example: "When a man has lost his hair and is bald, he is clean. If he has lost his hair from the front of his scalp and has a bald forehead, he is clean. But if he has a reddish-white sore on his bald head or forehead, it is an infectious disease breaking out on his head or forehead. The priest is to examine him, and if the swollen sore on his head or forehead is reddish-white like an infectious skin disease, 44 the man is diseased and is unclean. The priest shall pronounce him unclean because of the sore on his head. The person with such an infectious disease must wear torn clothes, let his hair be unkempt, [cover the lower part of his face and cry out, 'Unclean! Unclean!' As long as he has the infection he remains unclean. He must live alone; he must live outside the camp.

The whole thing reminds me of the time I got poison oak on my entire body…and I do mean my ENTIRE body. Talk about itching in some "unclean" parts!

I could go on and on and on (an already have) about how outrageous, silly and complicated living a "true Christian life" could be. And of course, the most illogical part of the entire aspect of Leviticus, is that millions of "good Christians" who feel they are above Christ's admonishment to "judge not, lest ye be judged," by condemning those who are different from themselves and denying them the same rights as American citizens, would use this Biblical laugh-fest as a guideline for anything.

Let me say it again. We are talking about 35 words out of 23,425 in this acid trip of "good living." We are talking about ignoring most of the rest of the 23,425 words which relate to goat sacrifices and exiling women during their periods.

Even more important, we are ignoring the fact that Christ, who came to save us for our sins, not only admonished us to forgive all sinners, love our neighbors, love our enemies, as well as a host of statements condemning greed, pride and other venal/mortal sins, NEVER ONCE mentions homosexuality in the almost 55,000 words which are attributed to him in the New Testament. Not once.

Someone isn't reading the Bible, or is being VERY selective in how they use it to determine sin.

But, hey…this debate is one that has raged since the days of…well…Ronald Reagan (another hypocrite of Biblical proportions). And while I wish all of the good Christians of the world would stop being such small-minded twits, and let committed loving relationships between people be the benchmark, and not a narrow definition that protects adulterers, swingers, wife-beaters, dead-beat Dads, Presidents and preachers, I am still willing to compromise.

Here is my offer. I will agree to ostracize, and disenfranchise the "sinful homosexuals" as described by Leviticus 18:22, if YOU promise to live your life according to the rest of Leviticus.

In fact, why stop there? Let's make Leviticus the entire Constitutional Amendment! Let's make it law!

I'll agree with you, if you agree with me! Oh…and if you let me have a no-bid, national contract (written by Halliburton lawyers) on the procurement, distribution and sale of clean, non-defect, goats, sheep and calves.

Seems fair to me!