Who is the Cranky Old Guy,
and why is he so…well…CRANKY?

Let's just "cut to the chase." In over a half century of life, I have done a ton of living. I have taken life in big, crazy, wild gulps, without taking much time to look before I tasted what I was gulping. That has a way of giving one a broad perspective of what life is all about, and at my age, tends to make you really ticked off--one could even say "cranky"--about some of the choices and mistakes one makes.

However, all one has to do (I seem to be hung up on using the term "one"…gotta cut it out…sounds pretentious) is to play the old game, "If you could go back in time and change any event or decision you want, what would it be?" In short order, you realize that there is not a hell of a lot you can do to change the past, so you might just as well get used to living with it.

Case in point. While I could look back at the more than 28 different incarnations of categories I have called "career" in the past few decades, and may want to make some changes in my early life that would have helped me with a more direct career path, doing so places into jeopardy such important milestones in my life as having 5 daughters, winning an Emmy award, and finding the love of my life (not in that order).

Don't believe me? Here's how it works… If I hadn't decided to accept an invitation for dinner to celebrate winning a football game in which my team finally beat our instate rivals, from a girl whom I had dated on-and-off for two-and-half years, but who was actually dating another guy (also present at the dinner) who fell asleep too early to prevent me from swooping in and having an "event" which resulted in my oldest daughter, a wedding in short order and my need to drop out of college to get a job to support my new family, I may very well have gone on to spend 3 or 4 more years screwing around in college (literally and figuratively), being the "King of Incompletes" in school, and maybe--and I say maybe loudly--finally getting a teaching degree and teaching high school kids about sex education and history (which have become sadly intertwined in our political landscape over the past decade).

However, by not choosing to accept dinner, and the opportunity to swoop on my old flame and make a fool of her current boyfriend, I would not have become the father of my oldest daughter (who has given me years of joy and two grandsons), or for that matter, my second daughter (who has given me years of joy and a German Shepherd puppy), or three other daughters (who are in various stages of giving me joy along with a ton of teenage angst and attitude) with my REAL wife and true love (sorry, but the first time around was not what I would classify as married bliss) and decades of joy, along with the incredible "Toad's Wild Ride" that has been my career track.

Don't tell me that seemingly inconsequential decisions can't alter your life forever. But, even more important, don't try to tell me that every "bad" thing that happens in life can't lead to "the best thing that could ever happen," if one (there's that word again) just keeps moving, making the effort, never gives up, keeps learning, and is open to new things.

Am I success story? I guess that depends on how you define success. I have a wonderful family, a hot, intelligent, funny, loving wife (I know I will get in trouble for leaving out a superlative), good health (as much as anyone can expect who has played as many contact sports as I have), amazing memories, and even more amazing opportunities for the future. There is no way to ignore the fact that I have not achieved financial success on the level that many of my peers and demographic (advertising term) have reached. However, I know tons of really rich, famous people who are extremely miserable human beings. And that gives me pleasure.

OK… damnit…I also know more than a fair share of people who have "played by the rules, focused on one thing and have become wealthy AND happy." But, you can't go through life worrying about what you don't have...until you are in your 70s and realize that your skill set and retirement portfolio are going to have to include becoming a greeter at Wal-Mart.

Whatever… "Screw 'em!" (This is a phrase with which you will have to become acquainted, as it actually has a visual attached to it that once explained, will never leave your mind again, whenever you hear those words spoken).

Let's get on with it. I've done just about everything a person (hey…I didn't say "one") can do, and have more experience with kids, business weasels, lawyers, relationships, music, technology and general gadflyism (my word) to fill hundreds of pages.

I could write warm, glowing treatises on how wonderful life is, and how by just being positive, and having enough faith, everything will work out. But that is a load of crap.

The fact is, the world is going to Hell (luckily I don't believe in Hell). And with every new day politicians, big business, the G-8, those assclowns at the NSA and Homeland Security, religious leaders, the guys who run the media, and even the idiot down the street who thinks his car is a P.A. system at a rap concert, are all colluding to make my life miserable.

We'll see about that…

But let me warn you...

• I don't belong to any political party and firmly believe that the two-party system has done more to harm our country than almost anything else.
• After having a "Near Death Experience" in 1996 and having a lot of my questions about religion answered, I don't really believe in organized religion (except for the wealth of wonderful Anglican church music that shaped my musical career in ways you could never understand).
• I believe that we are STILL suffering from the effects of WWII, because the "Greatest Generation" made life too damn easy for everyone that came afterward and helped turn the greatest nation in the world, into a nation of whining, selfish, entitled twits who refuse to do the hard work of being good citizens, good parents, and good leaders.

There's more…but that's what this site is all about.

As long as I have an Internet connection, and the First Amendment of our Constitution to cover my tired, old, (and now sciatica aching) ass, I am going to do my best to point out the idiots, morons and assclowns of this world who have apparently made it their jobs to make me a CrankyOldGuy!

If you want to contact me… feel free. But if you are just writing to call me a Nazi, a Commie, a lib, a jerk, blowhard, or any other such thing…get it line.

CONTACT CRANKY